Yesterday was my first American Thanksgiving.
Well, technically I was here in America last year for Thanksgiving, but I was still sort of on my Canadian high horse (Thanksgiving should be in October Y’all).
Before I left work for the holiday weekend, one of the kiddos wished me a “Happy Thanksgiving!” It was so sweet and sincere. I thanked her for the well wishes while she proceeded to ask me what my plans were. Without divulging too much into my personal life, I quickly noted that I would be going to a Thanksgiving meal with friends.
She smiled politely, shrugged her shoulders and stated, “That sounds nice. I don’t really celebrate the holidays, they make me pretty sad”.
My heart fell.
As I wished her a good weekend and praised her for her use of communication skills, I was quickly reminded how friggin’ hard holidays are for a lot of people.
Why Are The holidays So Friggin’ Hard?
My dad/hero is a retired Police Officer. Growing up, I remember him working several Christmases. He would sit there beside the Christmas tree, watching us unwrap gifts in his uniform, squeezing in a quick cup of coffee until he was called to the next emergency. I can remember him saying “Christmas is one of the busiest days of the year” as he was rushing out the door to his next call.
As a child, my mind couldn’t process what people would need a police officer for on Christmas day. As an adult working in mental/behavioral health settings, I now truly understand what he meant. Here are some of the reason why the holidays are so hard.
Loneliness
Being connected to others is part of our DNA. 1 in 5 Americans suffers from loneliness. So if you yourself have not experienced this feeling, you can pretty much guarantee that someone you are close to has. Loneliness exponentially increases during the holidays when it feels like you are the only one without plans or people to celebrate it with.
Listen here to Guy French talk about combating feelings of Loneliness.
Grieving
Grief is always hard, but it is magnified around the holiday season. We are surrounded by traditions and memories which bring up either good or bad feelings. If you are processing the loss of a loved one, the loss of a job, a divorce, an illness, or any other life event, the holidays make the grieving process exceptionally hard.
Trauma
Traumatic life events are so impactful, they re-wire our brains. Our neurological connections literally change to create new pathways when we experience a traumatic event such as witnessing death or violence, experiencing abuse, surviving a weather disaster or war, etc.
A trigger is the terms used to describe present moment reminders that serve as a transportation vehicle, bringing trauma survivers unwillingly into the past to re-live the trauma all over again.
The holidays have so many distinct traditions, rituals, smells, tastes, and sounds that bring up feelings of joy for many of us. However, if you have suffered a trauma and these holiday memories serve as triggers, you may be brought back to not so happy times.
Click here to check out tips for dealing with trauma and PTSD over the holiday season.
How to Support Others
Empathy
Empathy is a right-brain trait which some of us excel at, while some of us could use a little practice. Understand that although you feel all warm and fuzzy and are looking forward to that turkey coma, others may not be feeling the same way. Flex those empathetic muscles and support others whenever you can.
Know Your Audience
I get just as excited as the next person to curl up with some Egg Nog, a Toblerone bar and watch Love Actually. I am just working very hard to be conscious of when I share my excitement.
Listen – I’m not here to tell anyone to not get excited about the holidays, heck I have already been listening to the Glee Christmas Playlist on repeat for about a week now. I am just hoping to remind everyone that your overt displays of unbridled holiday joy may add to someone else’s pain unknowingly. So just be aware of who is at the receiving end of your over-the-top-holiday-joy.
I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends
So often we avoid talking about the hard stuff. It’s as if we believe that by asking about someone’s pain we will make it worse. I am 100% guilty of this.
In the past, I thought I was doing the best I could to support the other person by distracting them and talking about happy things. From my recent experience of being on the other side of grief, the best support I received was from friends and family who weren’t afraid to get messy and sit with me through the tears, my many, m-a-n-y tears.
If you know someone who is having a hard time this holiday season, the best thing you can do is ask them what they need.
If it’s a distraction, cue the Hugh Grant and Kiara Knightly.
If it’s a sobfest, grab that box of Kleenex. Give them what they need.
Very Important Side Note – If you think someone is in danger of harming themselves or contemplating suicide, Seek help immediately! Here is a link to the National Suicide Prevention website.
How to Support Yourself
Give Grace to Yourself
If you are grieving, understanding that your pain is part of the healing process.
Give Grace to Others
My mum’s famous advice when I am stuck in a hole of sadness is that there is always someone worse off than you. Spread the love by helping others this holiday season.
Routine, Routine, ROUTINE
Remember to Be Your Own Recreation Therapist this holiday season #flow
Ask For Help!
You are not alone! You are loved! Ask for help when you need it!
Start New Traditions
If all the holiday memories are just too much, try something completely new. Go for a hike in the woods. Travel to a new city. Make a new ethnic food you have never attempted before. Follow your and Flow.
Bottom Line:
- Take care of yourself
- Support others
- Follow your heart
I’d love to hear about how you are planning to take care of yourself or support others during the holiday season this year. Please share by posting below
This picture is from Christmas a few years ago, when my best friend and I went on a road trip to Pensacola, Fl. to start a new tradition
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